Stop asking me to pick one.
Interests? Careers? Appetizers? I kinda want them all.
I’m bad with favorites. I always have been. I like to ask other people theirs though; favorite albums, foods, trips, what have you, because I can never make up my mind about just one. That, and I love to hear people who are so adamant about their specific favorite get really into the weeds about it. It rocks.
I’m not good with favorites because I’m not good at choosing. I get decision fatigue easily; I’m always thinking fifteen steps ahead (at least), wondering what implications my choice will carry in an hour, a day, a decade. That said, I do not let that hold me back from Doing. I do a lot of Doing.
What this means is that I’m trying to collect every possible experience that life puts on the table, taking it hungrily to my plate and still hoping there’s room for a helping of something else1. I’m seeking everything in my grasp and on my horizon. Nothing is too far as long as I can see the road that’ll get me there.
There are drawbacks to this. I’m not as skilled or specialized in the things that I do as other people are. I’m not dedicating all of my hours solely to guitar or baking or writing or nail painting, but I’m dedicating some of my time to all of these things, depending on the week or the season or the materials at my disposal. I’m still learning to accept this about myself, but I’ve already come a long way in rejecting the monocultural norms that have been pressed upon me since birth.
When I was a freshman in college, I was desperate for a research opportunity in a neuroscience lab. Being able to conduct research as an undergrad was one of the reasons I had chosen my university, and I found it so exciting to be on the cutting edge of what would come to improve people’s lives later on. From the jump, I was always searching for meaningful work. Pretty soon, I found a lab that studied the role of dopamine in Parkinson’s Disease. After reading their most recent papers, I garnered the courage to send a cold email to the principal investigator. Somehow, I received a response (though I was deferred to her lab manager, but no matter). I went through several rounds of interviews, fearing for my 18-year-old life that I was up to snuff for these published scientists. They liked me enough to pass me on to the PI, and when I finally got to meet her, she was incredible. She was brilliant and she glowed when she talked about her work. All of her research accolades, kindness, and success aside, here’s what I remember most: She told me that this research is her favorite thing in the whole world. She said that some people love salsa dancing – they dedicate their whole life to it, spend every waking moment thinking about it, learning about it, working on it. She said that’s how she felt about her research. She was in lab 12-16 hours a day, six days a week, because it was the only thing she wanted to do. It was amazing.
It was also completely unlike who I’ve been my whole life.
I accepted the role as soon as it was offered, but never got onboarded into the lab because the pandemic began ripping through the states just a few weeks later. As I reflect on that now, it was actually a good turn for me that my research did not begin there. I am so grateful that there are people like her, people who are so fervently passionate about their singular interest that it’s the only thing that takes up their brain space. The world needs these people, and they help make immense progress and provide so much knowledge and beauty to our communities. These people amaze and inspire me, and I’m nothing like them.
Later in my university years, I was taking an experiential arts practicum for my music certification (in addition to my major and my minor… I’ll let that speak for itself). My first day in that class was the first time I really came face to face with someone who embodied what I wanted for my life, but I’d never known was even a possibility. This professor was the complete opposite of the PI I had met my freshman year. Throughout the semester, I learned that she was a glassblower by trade, and that she was a part-time artist in residence at the local hospital, and she was teaching this class! She was also taking dance classes and mandolin lessons in her free time, and had just sent her last child off to college as a single mother. Seeing how she described her life, how she moved through it with such openness to the world and conviction in her path and her abilities, made me realize how possible it was to build a life that exists around more than a singular skill set built for decades of straight-edge corporate career climbing.
As I’ve since graduated and am starting to flesh out my own life, I am trying to embody the renaissance spirits I’ve come to notice more and more in the people around me. I’m currently punching in 40 hours at my salaried job, yes, but then I’m going out into the world and seeing what else is on offer. I’m volunteering at the library, playing my instruments, writing for this Substack (hey!), trying new recipes, anything I can to keep myself from getting sucked into a Sisyphean vortex where I just do the same thing forever. This is what is working for me now with what resources I have, but it is not how I hope to continue in the coming years. I picture the decades ahead of me where I do not rely on one singular institution for financial or humanistic satisfaction, where I am able to balance my scientific pursuits with my more artistic ones. Nothing left on a back burner, everything tended to as necessary for my fulfillment, allowing these things to ebb and flow throughout the seasons of my life and my obligations beyond myself.
The current Western world is not very welcoming to this life path. It is antithetical to the singular idea of never-ending economic growth and perpetual prowess we should be pursuing. Nevertheless, I continue to envision a path for myself where I give back to my community in myriad ways, not solely from the academic or clinical environments of research, patient care, or mentorship (though these are important and are things I enjoy deeply!). I picture my scientific achievements meaning as much as my creative work, and being able to dedicate as much time and energy as I would like to all of it. I hope for a time where I can conduct myself this way and from it, draw strength to put towards caring for my loved ones and community, in my daily devotions and for generations I will never see flourish.
I believe this is possible not just for me, but for everyone whose hearts pull them in multiple directions. I don’t always know what it will look like or how I will get there, but I know that it is achievable, because it hasn’t failed me yet. I refuse to be pigeon-holed, even if that would make things easier. I’ll always have a lot of favorites, and I’ll reserve my right to shuffle them around as I continue to learn and grow and experience all the world has on offer.
There’s a fat girl joke here but I’m not clever enough to make it.